


Breathe

by littlemissstark315



Series: We’re not friends; we’re family [6]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Blood, Gun Violence, Happy Ending, Hospitals, Lots of Angst, M/M, PTSD, death of a minor character, grif is a good bro, psychotic breaks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-23 06:42:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17075327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlemissstark315/pseuds/littlemissstark315
Summary: Tucker sometimes couldn’t sleep for various reasons. Most nights he’ll find himself out in the mess hall with some of the others that can’t sleep. But tonight doesn’t go as planed. Tonight Tucker ends up stuck in a hostage situation that goes from bad to worse real quick.





	1. Chapter 1

  
Tucker normally had a hard time sleeping, for various reasons. From nightmares to just plain insomnia. He was normally at the mess hall around two or three in the morning, snacking on something. Sometimes Carolina or Wash would end up joining him, even Grif once in a blue moon.

But when he walked into the mess hall he was met with one of the new guys they just got, Smith he thinks his name is, he’s barely met the guy. But the new guy is pacing and mumbling to himself while holding a gun, letting it flail with his hands natural movements.

Tucker felt his blood freeze.  
Shit. This was bad.

He was about to back away, to get Wash and Carolina, fuck, to even get his own gun but the guy saw him, crying out and pointing the gun at him. “The fuck are you doing here?” Tucker had his hands up. “Uhh just wanted a snack. Couldn’t sleep.”

The man huffed. “Couldn’t sleep?” Couldn’t sleep, because of what? Fucking nightmares keeping you up?! Cause mine do man, oh fuck do they fuck me up!” Tucker swallowed as the man became unhinged. “Then why don’t we talk about it? We all get them here. We’ve all seen some shit-“ The man shot the gun at the wall, nearly shot tucker in the head if he hadn’t ducked.

Tucker can safely say, without looking like a total coward, that he was legitimately terrified. How the hell is is supposed to talk this man down? He obviously needs psychiatric help. “Or we can just stand here…” Tucker finished with, ignoring how hard his heart is beating.

The others must have heard the gunshot because Wash and Carolina were in the mess hall with him suddenly, guns in hand. The man..smith saw this and cried. “No! Man! No! Fuck!” Wash saw the bullet hole in the wall near Tucker’s head and felt his heart stop but he pushed the thought away. “You ok tucker?” Tucker swallowed. “Yeah, Yeah. Fine. Still breathing.” “Good.”

The man suddenly pointed the gun at Wash and Carolina. “You two are always pushing me! Always screaming at me!” Wash took a deep breath. He wasn’t trained to talk down a hostage situation. But he did put his gun away on his hip,putting his hands up. “We do that because it’s our job. We don’t mean anything personal by it. Right Carolina?” She went with it, not wanting to kill this young kid if she didn’t have to, also putting her own gun on her hip and putting her hands up. “Yes. Exactly. You’re a fine solider, we yell at everyone. It’s our job as your commanding officers.”

The man sucked in a breath, starting to cry. “I don’t believe you! Everyone here hates me! I can’t take it anymore!” He then shot at Tucker who gasped, falling against the wall and before Wash and Carolina could do anything he already brought the gun to his chin, pulling the trigger, making his head blow through the other side, his body collapsing in a heap of blood and skull fragments.

Wash ran over to Tucker as he yelled to Carolina. “Get medical now!” Tucker was laying against the wall, his chest bleeding and his breaths coming out in wheezes.

Wash pushed away any emotion he could. Pushing away the thought his fucking husband was shot in front of him while the attacker killed himself. “I got you Tucker, it’s ok.” He said, hands shaking as he tried to put pressure on the wound but it made Tucker cry out weakly and wheeze.

Wash blinked away tears. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Tucker coughed wetly, a bit of blood going down his mouth. “It’ll..it’ll be ok.” He forced out, sounding raspy. Wash swallowed the lump in his throat. “He shot your lung, that’s why you’re wheezing and coughing blood but Dr. Grey is on her way. You’ll be ok, you’ll be ok.” Wash nearly chanted to himself.

Tucker bought his hand to Washs face. “Hey..I’m not leaving you.” He said in almost a whisper. Wash sucked in a breath, the tears never stopping. “You better not. If you do I’ll make sure to find you again in the afterlife and scream at you myself.” Tucker chuckled weakly before wincing. “Deal.”

Tucker felt his vision getting fuzzy and he felt terrified, again for the second time. “Wash, you know I love you right?” Wash cried, keeping pressure on the wound. “Don’t say you’re goodbyes. You’re not dying.” “Please.. you know it, right?” Wash Couldn’t take it, he couldn’t tell tucker to stick his goodbye up his ass because he was going to be ok damn it. “I do. And I love you so much too.”

Tucker felt tears escape his eyes and a lump grow in his throat. He sucked in a shuddering, wheezing breath. “I don’t want to die. Wash..I’m scared.” Wash kissed his head. “You’re not going to die. I won’t let you.” “It’s so hard to breathe…” He trailed off, his body going limp.

Wash stilled, just staring before he started screaming. “No! No! Tucker!” Carolina pulled him away as Dr. Grey, in her pajamas, messy bun and lab coat, came over to check his vitals with her team behind her looking just as woken up as her.

Wash was a sobbing mess in Carolinas arms. Dr. Grey turned to them. “He’s just passed out but in critical condition. I promise, I’ll do everything I can Wash.”

Tucker was quickly put on a stretcher with the other nurses helping her, taking him to the medical bay with haste. A cleaning crew and officials already on The scene of the man who shot himself.

Wash could only stare at the scene. Smell the blood. His eyes bore into the blood stain that was left by Tucker. A small pool of it, god he felt it on his hands.

He must have been going into severe panic attack. He wasn’t sure, his mind kept going in between is darker days at freelancer. All the innocent people they killed.

“Wash! Hey, Com’on, don’t make me punch you!” Wash was gasping, lost in his memories, staring between his hands and the blood stains on the floor when he suddenly felt a sharp pain in his shoulder.

“Ow! Fuck!” He held his shoulder but surprised that he was calmer, the visions gone, for now. Carolina frowned. “Sorry but you weren’t coming back and I need you present right now. Let’s get you cleaned up before we check on Tucker’s status.”

After twenty minutes of scrubbing himself raw in the shower and Carolina practically forcing a protein bar at him, they ended up in the waiting room of the ER of the med bay.

Wash was still shaking from everything. Anxiety coursing it’s way through his veins. Carolina sighed, reaching out and holding one of his hands. He looked at her. She gave him a look. “I’d be a heartless bitch if I wasn’t here to support you. I’m your best friend and your husband nearly died. I may not be good at these sort of things but I’m here.”

Wash sniffled as his wiped his eyes with his free hand. “Thanks.” He said before holding her hand a little tighter.

Wash ended up falling asleep on her shoulder. She counted the hours when grey would come out with news. It was nearing 7AM, Carolina was half asleep when someone nudged her shoulder.

She nearly started awake before she remembered what was going on, seeing an utterly exhausted Dr. Grey.

Carolina gently shook Wash awake. He sat up, seeing the doctor as well. “Dr. Grey. How is he? Is he ok?” She sighed. “He’ll be just fine. The drugs are still working through his system so it’ll be a few hours before he’s awake but he needs to be on bed rest for two weeks while his lung heals. And even after the two weeks he can’t do anything too straining, his lung is in recovery. Once he’s able to we’re going to start breathing therapy to get his lung back to it’s original capacity.”

Wash felt his eyes water in relief. “Thank you so much. I thought we were gonna lose him.” “Oh you did, for a full thirty seconds. Once we got him into the OR his body started going into shock and his heart stopped but we brought him back easy peasy!”

Wash wasn’t sure how to respond to that. Or how to feel about it. “Uh thank you. Again for saving him. Can I see him?””Yes you can but he’s going to be under for a while, the drugs from the surgery are still working there way through. I can get you a cot so you can sleep in there if you want.” “That would be great.”

Carolina smiled but looked exhausted. “I’m glad he’s ok. You gonna be ok by yourself Wash?” Wash nodded. “Yeah. Thank you for helping me.” Carolina smiled. “No problem. I’m gonna go into a coma now. Don’t hesitate to wake me up when he wakes up.” “Ok. Have a good sleep.”

Dr. Grey lead Wash to Tucker’s room. Before she opened the door she frowned. “I have to warn you, he has quite a few wires on him along with a ventilator. It might be a bit shocking to see.” Wash took a deep breath. “Please, open the door.” She nodded, opening the door and leading him inside.

Wash felt like crying again when he saw Tucker. She wasn’t kidding. Tucker had a ventilator in his throat, likely to give his lungs more ease for breathing while they recover but he had several wires hooked up. Some he knew what they were, most he didn’t. The only one he pay any attention to was the heart monitor that was steadily beeping.

“I’ll get you a cot agent Washington. I’ll be right back.” For.grey said before leaving.

Wash walked closer, gently holding Tucker’s hand with both his, attempting to steady himself. He felt like breaking down again but he couldn’t. Not now. He had to focus. Tucker was alive and safe. He is going to be fine.

When Dr. Grey came back with the cot he thanked her for everything. He knows even with her seemingly endless amount of energy she was exhausted. She just smiled weakly. “Just doing my job. I’m glad he’s ok. Please, get some rest. Press the call button if you need anything.”

Wash laid down once she left but he never slept. He’s not sure if he’ll be able to sleep for a while. Not until he knows for himself that Tucker is safe and out of harms way.

He stayed awake for ten hours. Waiting for Tucker to wake up, trying in vain to entertain himself with books or the TV in the room but nothing helped.

Carolina walked in, looking more rested then she did before. She frowned as she saw Wash still awake, bags under his eyes and greasy hair. “Wash, have you slept?” “I got about two hours sleep last night before everything happened.” “Ok, let me rephrase; other than the two hours you got nearly eleven hours ago, have you slept at all?” Wash felt his face go red with shame as she sighed. “Wash..” She said in that mom voice she seems to reserve for him.

She walked closer to his cot, sitting next to him, the steady beep of Tucker’s heart monitor filling the room. “He’s ok wash. He’s alive and he’s going to be the same as he was, just with a small setback.”

“I know. I know he is. Dr. Grey explained everything to me but I can’t sleep. Not until he wakes up.” “And what if he went into a coma? What then? Would you stay awake for days? Months? Even you know that’s physically impossible.” Wash was quiet. Carol sighed. “At least get a shower and some food. You look half past dead.” She gently ushered him out of the room and to the showers, making sure he didn’t skip out on her.

When he was done and looked a lot better (probably felt better too but he won’t admit that) she managed to snag him a dinner from the mess, from what’s usable in the mess hall after the incident. It was a basic dinner of steak, vegetables, pasta and a Gatorade. She knows he probably has barely had any water either.

Carolina decided to stay with him in Tucker’s room, sitting on his cot, making small talk, talking about project freelancer and their lost friends, anything that wasn’t the current situation.

But they were suddenly started by a gagging sound, almost coughing when Wash quickly got up, going to Tucker’s side and pressing the call button. “Tucker! Thank fucking god, you’re awake!” Tucker looked terrified, again and wash hated his husband had to feel that way. He held his hand and caressed the side of his face, ignoring his own relived tears. “It’s ok, you’re ok, I got you.”

It wasn’t long after that Dr. Grey rushed into the room, she smiled when she saw Tucker was awake. “Captain Tucker! It’s so nice to see you awake! Just relax and lay still while I take the ventilator out.”

Wash couldn’t help but wince as she quickly and gracefully took the ventilator tube out of Tucker’s throat.

Once it was out Tucker coughed, voice raspy. “Haven’t deep throated in a long time, should have gone easy on me.” Wash wanted to roll his eyes, lecture Tucker about making such a joke in this serious situation but Wash just let out a shuddering breath as he struggled not to sob in relief that Yes. Tucker is fine and is alive and nothing has changed.

Dr.Grey didn’t seem to mind as she laughed. “Oh it’s good to see you’re in such good spirits. Captain Tucker. I’ll get you some water for your throat.” She walked out of the room and Tucker turned his head to look at Wash, reaching out gently, being mindful of the wires as he held his hand. “Hey, still with us?” Wash smiled, wiping his face.

“Yeah. I’m..I’m just so glad your awake. I thought I was gonna lose you.” Tucker smiled weakly. “Not gonna Get rid of me that easily.”


	2. Chapter 2

  
Kimball was reviving hell from higher ups and military psychiatrists alike for the incident. She called in Wash and Carolina to get witness accounts and to see how Tucker is doing. In all this hell she hasn’t heard anything.

Wash and Carolina both walked into her office. Carolina speaking up first. “You wanted to see us mam?” Kimball sighed. “Yes. I need a formal report on what happened two nights ago in the mess hall.”

Carolina started. “Yes mam. Around 2:30 AM one of the new soldiers had a psychotic break. Tucker accidentally became a hostage when he went into the mess hall. He often can’t sleep and goes to the mess hall for a midnight snack. The attacker shot a warning shot and that alerted Agent Washington and I And we quickly got to the scene, attempting to talk the man down from whatever he had planned. We still don’t know what he had planned. Before we could help he shot at tucker and then himself, having killed himself. Tucker was shot in the chest, hitting his lung, an inch away from his heart. He’s recovering now.”

Kimball sighed. “I want you to talk to any one that knew the attacker, see if there was any red flags, anything that could have prevented this.” Carolina nodded. “Yes mam.” “And Wash?” Wash looked up. “Yes mam?” Kimball softened. “How are you doing? I know this couldn’t have been easy for you.”

Wash was quiet for a few seconds before thinking of what to say. “I’m just fine. Tucker is alive, that’s all that matters.” Kimball nodded. “Good. Dismissed.”

When they walked out of the office Carolina turned to Wash. “you’re just fine?” She asked, knowing he’s far from it. “Well What was suppose to say? She doesn’t need to worry about me.” “Just make sure to take care of yourself, Tucker isn’t the only one recovering.” Wash stayed silent as they walked down the hall.

Carolina was going to be the first to admit, they had a problem with the mess hall. It was cleaned of any evidence anything happened but the memories lingered. No one wanted to stay in the mess hall for more than necessary. Wash almost refuses to go inside, surviving on snacks and what Carolina can manage to bring him to Tucker’s room. Wash spending all his time there, even with Tucker telling him to at least go sleep in their real bed in their bunk, not the uncomfortable cot and she knows Tucker probably won’t react well the next time he walks into the mess hall.

A month went by and Tucker was able to get to semi-normal actives but nothing too much, no sex, no drills and no lifting anything more than 5LBs for at least two months and he has breathing therapy every other day with Dr. Grey.

Tucker was all smiles as he left the medbay with Wash. “finally, I’m allowed to walk. I’m free.” Wash smiled, holding his hand. “It is nice to see you up and walking. But remember you do have some limitations, you’re still healing.”

Tucker brought his arm around Washs neck. “Babe, I know. Grey told me everything five times over. I got this.” “Sure about that? That means we can’t do anything sexual for two months.” “I know. You need to stop worrying.” Wash gave him a look. “You almost died in front of me. Forgive me if I’m a little worried.”

Tucker stopped walking, feeling Wash start to shake. He held both his hands. “Hey. I’m still here. I told you, it’s gonna take a lot more than that to get rid of me.” Washs eyes kept darting between Tucker’s dark browns and where his new scar is. Even if it’s covered up by a tee shirt Wash knows exactly where it lies.

Tucker then brought one of Wash’s hands to his chest, over the scar to show him he’s alive and breathing and fine but Wash just gasped, taking his hand away from him as if it were on fire, staring at his hand.

Wash was back there, in the mess hall, Tucker’s blood on his hands that felt as if it did nothing; seeping through his fingers. Tucker gently shook him. “Hey, Wash, babe, it’s okay.”

But Wash didn’t seem to hear him and Tucker knew he had to calm him down fast before he ended up passing out. He hoped this worked. He brought his arms around him, holding him close, holding his head to his shoulder with just enough weight to hold him but not enough that it’s forced. “Hey..shh I got you.”

After a few minutes of rocking and holding and gentle shushing his husband seemed to calm, tears stains marred his face. “Tucker?” “it’s ok. You had a bit of a panic attack.” “I…it wasn’t just a panic attack. I..I was back there. In the mess hall putting pressure on your wound.” His voice broke, tears continuing to fall.

Tucker felt his heart break and he felt like an asshole. He didn’t stop to think how this would have affected his partner. Granted he’s had a lot on his mind too, especially wondering about how he’s going to eat, he’s not sure he can step foot in the mess hall after this but Wash saw it all happen, put pressure on his wound, fuck he almost died in his husbands arms, of course this would have fucked him up just as much. “Did you want to talk about it?”

Wash pulled away gently, wiping his face with shaking hands. “What’s there to talk about that I haven’t already said?” Tucker frowned, still worrying for his husbands mental health. “I guess you have a point but talk to me if you need to, ok? Even if it’s in the middle of the night.” Wash stayed silent and Tucker made plans to talk to Carolina, maybe find a therapist that they could both talk to.

It wasn’t as a smooth transition from hospital room to out patient. Tucker wasn’t going to admit that he’s was a bit jumpy himself, worrying about the new soldiers he hasn’t met but Wash was worse. Paranoid, being hyper-vegelant with anyone he doesn’t know and he honestly doesn’t want to leave him alone but he knows if he brings up the word “therapist” Wash will fight him tooth and nail and claim his fine but it has to be done.

Carolina brought them their meals knowing how difficult it is right now for them and it wasn’t just them, many others are put off and creeped out that one of their own died there, that a murder-suicide almost happened and she’s in talks with Kimball and the UNSC to have the mess hall completely changed and renovated but it was definitely a work in progress.

As she got to the living area where the two were Tucker stood up from the couch, feeling Washs eyes on him. “Carolina, can we talk?” Carolina nodded. “Of course.” Tucker turned to wash. “I’ll be right back, ok?” Wash frowned. “Ok but don’t take too long.” Tucker smiled. “I’ll be with Carolina, I’ll be fine.”

Once they were alone Tucker sighed, feeling the ache in his chest reminding him he’s not 100% yet. “Do we have a therapist here?” “Not at the moment but we can get one, what’s up?” “Well the transition from being out of the hospital bay is not going as smoothly as I’d hope. I know I have some anxiety but Wash, this messed him up. He started to have a panic attack when I tried to help, it sent him into a flashback.” “I see.” “And he’s been like an attack dog with anyone he doesn’t know around me.” She sighed. “I’ll see what I can do but you know how he is. Therapy only helps if the person actually wants help.” Tucker nodded. “I know. Thrust me.”

Tucker came back into the room, Grif now in there (he forgets if he was in there when he went in or not, he has so much on his mind) and talking to Wash as if he were a scared rabbit. “Dude, it’s totally normal to feel like this. I’m not sure how I’d deal if the same happened to Simmons.” And Tucker saw Wash hiding his anxiety to the best of his abilities but he could see his hands were visibly shaking and nothing helped calm them.

Wash sighed, sounding irritated. “Tucker almost died in my arms and it feels like everyone is acting like it’s the norm.” “What are are we supposed to do? Freak out very second of the day?”

Tucker watched a few moments more before turning to Carolina, talking quietly. “I think we found our therapist.” Carolina just gave him a look. “You’ve got to be joking. He’s not trained or licensed in any form.” “Yeah but Wash is actually opening up to him about this, that’s what he needs.”

“He needs an actual doctor.” “He needs a friend, just someone who he can relate to him and talk without the intention of fixing him. Someone he doesn’t feel is going to get in his head.” Carolina was quiet. “I think I see your point but if he keeps getting worse we’re talking to Dr. Grey.”

  
Now Tucker had to talk to Grif. God he felt like a manager. Having to talk to everyone for one task.

While they were in their bunk Tucker excused himself. “I’m gonna go brush my teeth and go to the bathroom.” Wash looked worried. “Are you sure you don’t want to wait for me? I mean making the bed won’t take that long.” Tucker kissed him softly. “I won’t be long, promise. I’ll be fine.” Tucker felt Wash already starting to shake. “Just be careful ok?” Tucker smiled. “I will babe.”

He made a beeline for Grif and Simmons shared bunk, knocking on it gently. Simmons opened the door, no shirt and lounge pants on, showing his cyborg parts. He looked surprised when he saw Tucker. “Oh Tucker, hey. Something going on?” “I need to talk to Grif.” “Really? Why?” Tucker just rolled his eyes. “It’s just important ok? I don’t have a lot of time, I told wash I was brushing my teeth.” Simmons let him. Grif sitting up in bed, looking annoyed. “This better be good. I was I Was Comfortable.” “Can you be Washs therapist?”

Grif blinked. “He’s what?” “Therapist. He needs someone and he’ll refuse to go to an actual doctor but he opens up to you.” “I’m not a doctor dude.” “I know, that’s why he’ll open up and actual fucking talk about what happened. He keeps claiming his anxiety is just worry but he had a flashback not long after I got released from the hospital. It’s more than anxiety and he needs someone he can feel safe opening up to.”

Grif sighed. “What the fuck am I supposed to do or say?” “I don’t know! Just..” Tucker had to stop, holding his chest to catch his breath. Getting worked up made him feel like he ran laps around the base.

Simmons immediately worried. “Are you ok?” Tucker took a few slow, deep breaths. “Yeah. I’m not 100% yet, still revering remember? But Grif, please, he won’t open up to an actual doctor.”

Grif groaned. “Fucking fine. I’ll do it. But what am I supposed to do if he has a flash back or severe panic attack while I’m trying to get him to talk? I don’t know what the fuck to do.” Tucker smiled. “I’m sure you’ll figure something out. Thank you so much. I gotta go.”

Tucker started running back to his room when it felt like stabbed him in the chest, making him stop dead, nearly tripping as he used the wall for support, kneeling on the floor, his free hand holding his chest as he wheezed, focusing his thoughts on breathing deeply and slowly, pushing away the terrifying feeling of being suffocated.

“Tucker! Oh my god!” He heard Wash and this was not what Wash needed right now. Wash was in front of him, kneeling and looking panicked. Tucker swallowed, getting his breathing to steady. “I’m fine. Thought I…” He took a deep breath. “Could jog. Can’t. Learned the hard way.” “You idiot, dr. Grey told you no strenuous activity.” Tucker got his breathing calm and steady. “I’m fine. I got it under control.” Wash didn’t look convinced but Tucker saw his hands shanking like leaves in the wind. Tucker stood slowly, holding his hands. “I’m fine, I’m alive and I’m still breathing. “ It was Washs turn to steady his breathing but Wash took his hands away quickly. “You can’t just ignore Dr.Greys warnings, she gave them to you for a reason! You can’t just run around like an idiot, literally!”

Tucker held his hands up, he hasn’t had Wash legitimately mad at him in a long time but he questions if this is actual anger and not his PTSD. He decided playing surrender would be best. “I know, I’m sorry. I just felt really good, I forgot I’m still recovering.” Wash was quiet. “Let’s just go to bed.”

Tucker managed to sleep but while he was sleeping Wash was wide awake with a hand on his back, staring at it go up and down softly. Steady. Feeling his heartbeat. He didn’t sleep. 


	3. Chapter 3

  
The following morning Grif felt like freaking out, pacing his room while Simmons got changed. “How the fuck am I suppose to help him? Wash needs an actual doctor.”

Simmons just watched as his husband paced. “Maybe you can convince him to see a doctor? Tucker is right, he’ll open up to you.” Grif groaned, rubbing his hands through his messy curls. “God.. why me?” “Well you and Wash do have things in common. And you’re already friends with him.” “Yeah but I’m shit with emotions. You know this. This is so much fucking pressure.” Simmons sighed, walking closer and stopping Grif from pacing, holding his arms. “If anyone can get Wash to open up, its you. Don’t be so hard on yourself about this. He’ll probably open up easier than you think.” Grif frowned. “I guess. God I need a coffee. It’s too early for this shit.”

Tucker woke up, feeling the bed next to him and didn’t feel Wash at first but then saw him sitting up, staring at him- staring at his chest. He wanted to make a joke of “my eyes are up here” but Wash had a look in his eyes that said he didn’t sleep and stayed up the entire night; eyes wide and hands shaking.

Tucker hated how fragile he looked. “Did you sleep at all last night?” Wash felt his face heat with shame as he looked away. “I couldn’t sleep.” Tucker sat up. “Yeah. Obviously.” “I had to make sure you were breathing properly. I wanted to be awake if there was any changes.” Tucker didn’t fight it, it would be no use. It would be like fighting with a toddler when they’re way past their bedtime.

“Well I’m starving. So let’s get ready and get some breakfast.” Wash just nodded as he got out of bed to change out of his pajamas.

When they walked out of the room they ran into Carolina. Tucker smiled. “Oh hey, morning.” She gave a small smile. “Good morning guys. I was just about to ask about breakfast. I was going to get your meals.” “Actually I think I can get our breakfast today.” Carolina glared at him. “No, you can’t. It’s only been barely a month and if you have an anxiety attack it could damage your recovering lung further. I will get your breakfast until further notice.”

Tucker huffed. “I’m not a baby. I don’t need babysat.” Wash glared softly at him. “But she’s right. If you have a severe attack from going in there you can back step weeks of recovery.” Tucker glared at him. “Like you have room to talk. When was the last time you slept? Or eaten?” Wash felt like he got punched from Tucker’s words.

Carolina spoke up before anything could escalate. “I know you’re both tired and frustrated and don’t like this either but right now the mess hall is a no-go for both of you until it’s done being renovated.” Wash looked surprised. “It’s being redone?” “Yes. You two aren’t the only ones having issues with what happened there. A lot of others are just creeped out and won’t stay longer than necessary. We’re still waiting for permission from the higher ups but yeah, it’s gonna be a whole new room. But until then you are both off limits of the mess hall. Do you understand?”

Wash nodded. “Yes mam.” Carolina nodded. “Good. Tucker?” Tucker sighed. “Fine.” Carolina smiled, relived it smoothed over. “Great. Now what do you two want to eat? And where do you want to eat?”

They decided to eat in the living area, Grif and Simmons already there eating their own breakfast and watching some local cartoon on the TV.

Carolina was still getting their food and thus had no food yet and looked (and felt) a bit awkward. Grif looked up after swallowed part of his breakfast sandwich. “Oh hey, morning. No food for you?”

Tucker crossed his arms, sitting back against the couch. “We have to be babysat. Carolina is getting our food for us…” he put in quotations. “Until further notice.”

Wash gave him a look. “She’s doing it for our own good. It’s necessary right now.” “Ok but I’m not going to go to her for just a can of soda. Or what if I want a snack or something? What, am I supposed to interrupt her day like I’m her kid?” “It’s better than you having to go back in the hospital because you decided to be an idiot.”

Simmons just stared. Ever since they got together Wash and Tucker almost never fight. Now he felt like he was in the middle of his parents fighting.

Tucker glared, nearly huffing, ignoring the tiny ache in his chest. “I’m not a fucking child.” Wash fired back. “Well you’re acting like one!” “Says the man that won’t let me out of his sight for more than five minutes!” Tucker said, shooting off the couch but winced, holding his chest, he needed to steady his breathing or he really could end up in the hospital again.

Wash shot up as well, ignoring the staring eyes of Grif and Simmons. “You want a soda or snack bad enough? Fine, I’ll get it for you and show you I can leave you the fuck alone.” He finished, charging out of the room and to the mess hall.

Tucker groaned, plopping himself in the couch, covering his face with his arm. Grif sighed. “Guess that’s my cue. I’ll check on Wash.” Simmons sighed. “Probably a good idea.”

Grif jogged to catch up with Wash, catching him just outside the entrance. “Wash, wait up!” Wash turned, eyes watery but glaring. “What do you want?” “It’s a bad idea for you to go in there.”

“I won’t be long. I’m just going to get a soda to throw at Tucker’s head to prove to him I can leave him alone.” “Ok but do you really want to trigger a panic attack just to prove him right.” Wash was about to speak when Grif stopped him. “You know what, don’t answer that. I will get Carolina to physically stop you from going inside. If it helps I could get you the soda to throw at his head?”

Wash raised an eyebrow. “Seriously?” “Yeah. He was being an asshole. Throwing a soda at him will help you feel better and get your point across. Plus he gets a shaken up soda. Win-win.”   
Wash snorted a small laugh, a small smile on his face as he wiped his eyes. “Ok. Get him a soda.” Grif grinned. “Right away agent Washington.” He was in and out within ten seconds and got three drinks. Grif held two of them, handing one to wash. “Here.” Wash smiled as he held it. “Thanks.”

They walked back to the entrance of the living area where Wash stopped, shaking the can of soda. Grif watching with a smile of anticipation. He couldn’t believe he got Wash to agree to something like this. He felt like a kid.

Wash turned, walked inside and threw the can at Tucker. Grif was laughing harder than he should have when he heard the “ow! What the fuck!?” “There’s your soda asshole.” Wash said before turning around and leaving the room.

He saw Wash leave the room and they both started cracking up laughing.

Tucker sighed, holding his can of soda. “Jesus, I really fucked up didn’t I?” Simmons gave him a look. “Well he did just pelt a can at you. Still glad you got Grif to help him?” Tucker was about to speak when he opened his soda, the drink escaping with a hiss and spraying all over him but he couldn’t mad because he heard laugher. The kind he hasn’t heard in months from Grif and Wash.   
Tucker had a smile on his face. “Yeah. I am.”

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

  
Four months later

  
With permission and a blank check the mess hall was completely transformed. Kimball got Donut to help who pretty much oversaw the entire thing. It was a completely new room, with new furniture and added paintings and a few other decorations specially placed where the bloodstains and death occurred, completely overshadowing it with its positivity.

It was much more homey with a couch thrown in and warm colors used and table cloths. It even had a decent radio with a number of CDs.

And to make the day even better Tucker was at his last appointment with Dr. Grey with Wash present. She was checking his breathing in different ways before she smiled. “I think we’re ready for a stress test.”

Wash frowned. “Are you sure?” “Yep! He’s passed all the breathing tests with flying colors, the stress test will see if he’s back to regular duty or if there’s still recovery.” Tucker looked at Wash, holding his hand. “I’ll be fine babe, Dr. Grey knows what she’s doing.” Wash sighed. “I know.” Grey smiled. “Then let’s get started.”

She started Tucker with twenty five push ups which he did, barely panting once he was done. She smiled. “Wonderful. Now twenty five jumping jacks.”

  
She kept with the twenty five increments for a full ten minutes of push ups, sit ups and running in place. He was panting but there was no pain from it. “Tucker, I now clear you for active duty. You may resume normal activity. I just have stamp it on your file.” She got the stamp and pressed it on the paper.  
“And presto! Your cleared!”

Tucker grinned. “Even sex?” “Even sex.” Wash hissed at him, blushing. “Tucker!” Dr. Grey laughed. “It’s perfectly alright to ask. I’d rather you guys ask if he’s cleared for sexual activity than to have to end up in the ER.” Wash let out a breath. “I suppose you’re right.” “Well get out of here you two! Go enjoy your freedom! They just opened the mess hall again, I hear Donut did an amazing job with his design.”

Tucker grinned. “You don’t have to tell me twice. Com’on babe, let’s go see the new mess hall.” He held Washs hand and lead him out of the office.

They got to the entrance of the mess hall, hearing pop music and the white noise of people talking inside. Wash felt terrified to go inside but Tucker looked ready to charge in. Wash stopped him. “Are you sure you’re ready? You haven’t been in there since the incident.” “Neither have you. I’ll admit, I’m a little scared but Donut worked hard and Carolina cleared us to go inside. I trust her dude, if she thinks we’re ready, we’re ready.”

Tucker held his hand, feeling him nearly vibrate with anxiety. “We’ll face this like we face everything; together.” Wash took a deep breath. “Ok. Let’s go.”

Hand in hand they walked inside and Wash felt Tucker’s anxiety through his hand,even though Tucker seemed all smiles as they walked in. Wash knew this was how Tucker felt with a lot of his anxiety; pushing it away, focusing on the now and not the then.

But as they walked inside it felt completely different from five months ago. The wallpaper was a warm tan/orange color with rustic decorations on the walls. The radio there had pop music playing and it just felt..light. The feeling of anxiety and dread slowly ebbed away from the two as they went got lunch together.

As they sat Wash smiled. “I have to admit, it is really nice. It’s a whole different room.” Tucker grinned. “Donut is a fucking genius. The place needed an overhaul. Wish I didn’t have to almost die for it but hey, we got it.” Wash just gave him a look. “Wonderful sentiment.”

Kimball came in with Carolina and Donut behind her, Donut carrying about four bottles of champagne in a bucket of ice. Kimball smiled. “Hello Troops. I’m here to officially open the mess hall and to Thank Private Donut on his hard work and to congratulate Captain Tucker and Agent Washington with their recovery of the incident. Everyone take a Champagne flute. Donut and Carolina will pour your glass.”

Within a few minutes everyone had a glass of champagne. Kimball raised it and everyone followed. “A toast to new beginnings, good health and good friends. Cheers!” “Cheers!” Everyone said back as they all drank their champagne.

Tucker turned to Washwith his glass, still half full. “A toast to being alive?” Wash smiled, clinking his glass with Tucker’s. “I can definitely drink to that.”

Once they made it back to their bunk, Tucker wrapped his arms around Washs waist, kissing his neck. “I’m completely cleared. I think we should celebrate properly.” Wash tensed, he was so nervous of starting anything.

He turned around in his hold. “Are you sure you’re ok for that? I mean sex does get pretty intense.” Tucker smirked as he held him close, letting him feel his excitement. “Dr.Grey gave me the all clear. I passed every stress test.” Wash pulled himself away, still holding Tucker’s hand. “I don’t mind waiting another month or so just to be sure. I don’t want you to get hurt.” Tucker raised an eyebrow. “Do you not believe Dr. Grey? She has an IQ of like 300.” “I know-“ “Then if you know then why are you against sex?”

“I’m just a little worried. What if we go at it too hard or too much and your lung gives out?” Tucker rubbed his thumb over Washs hand. “You saw the stress test she gave me. I’m fine.” “But what if you’re not?” Wash asked a little too quickly.

Even though he had come far in his anxiety and PTSD over this, he still had his fair share left over that probably won’t ever go away. “What if you end up with some sort of asthma attack? Or maybe you’re lung just decides to stop working-“ Wash by the end of his thought was speaking frantically. His eyes matched the speed of his words, darting between Tucker’s chest to his eyes to their bed and then went through the same cycle.

Tucker wrapped him up in his arms. “You trust me, right?” “Yes. Of course.” Tucker smiled weakly. “Then trust me on this. I won’t pressure you into it or force the issue but I want you to trust me when I say I’m fine.” Wash stayed quiet, thinking of his words, letting them float around in his head before he gave an answer. “Alright.” “Wanna go cuddle and watch some crappy TV?” Wash smiled. “Sounds like a good idea to me.”

Later that evening, when everyone was asleep..almost everyone. Wash was still awake with his habit. holding his hand on Tucker’s chest or back, watching it move up and down steadily. Although he’s gotten a little better with Help from Tucker and Grif, it was still a hard habit to break, the paranoia that maybe if he falls asleep he won’t be able to help if something should happen.

Tucker groaned sleepily as he turned over to get out of bed, his bladder having woken him up when he felt a hand on his back, retreating now. He turned, seeing Wash. He frowned. “Babe? You’re still awake?” Wash shrugged but looked away. “I just wanted to be awake if something should happen.”

Tucker sat up. “You know I’m fine right?” “I know but what if something happens? What if you stop breathing in the middle of the night? I don’t want to wake up to your dead body.” Tucker saw Washs hands shaking again.

Tucker let out a breath. “I’m gonna go use the bathroom real quick, I’ll be right back, ok?” Wash nodded, rubbing his shaking hands through his hair. Tucker noticed it’s gotten much longer then his normal “military regulation” spikes.

These few months have been hell but Tucker has to admit, he really likes the longer hair. It curled delicately at his ears and had a few curls and waves throughout. He never knew his hair curled.

It would be more adorable if he wasn’t so worried about him. If his hair is longer then that means he hasn’t taken the time to take care of it. He normally is up to date with his hair cuts.

It took only about 30 seconds for Tucker to use the bathroom and wash his hands but when he walked out he nearly ran into his husband who had been right in front of him.

Tucker frowned. “Hey, you ok?” Wash was shaking like a leaf, gun in his hand. “Fine. Just wanted to keep watch.” Tucker let out a breath. “Ok. Well thank you, how about we go back to the room. Com’on.” He gently lead Wash back to their room.

Once back in their room Tucker got the gun out of his husbands hands and placed it on the dresser. Wash all but collapsed into Tucker, holding onto him like a cat, nearly hyperventilating. “I wanted to be ready. I wasn’t ready last time.”

Tucker frowned as he held him close. “Wait, you’re feeling guilty for not knowing what that guy was gonna do?” Wash shrugged, talking a little too fast. “If I was ready I could have prevent it. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t even hear the gunshots. Carolina was the one who alerted me.” “No one could have known what he was going to do. Not even you.”

“I know, that’s why I want to be ready.” Tucker pulled away, still holding him close but wanting to look in his husbands blue eyes. “You can’t be ready for everything. Yes we can be ready for almost anything at any time but even you and Carolina can’t predict what’s going to happen before it happens.” Wash looked away, his face flushing with shame and eyes water. “I just want to make sure your safe.”

Tucker smiled softly. “I know and I love that but you have to learn to trust me. Sometimes you just have to have faith that things will be ok.” Wash gave him a thoughtful look. “How are you handling all of this so calmly? I’ve barely seen you have any panic attack or nightmare.”

Tucker sighed. “Trust me, I have my own anxiety and nightmares. But I’ve learned to cope with it. I’m just as weary of new people as you but I also know that I can’t just automatically think there out to kill me. I try to keep my nightmares to myself.” “But you know you have me right?” “I know but dealing with them on my own has helped me learn how to cope. Back at Blood Gulch I Couldn’t exactly go to Cabbose or Church for emotional support. I just learned over the years. But I don’t think you have a coping mechanism. And pretending you’re problems don’t exist is not a coping mechanism.”

Wash wiped his eyes. “It never used to be this bad. With project freelancer we never really talked like that but we all knew we had issues. But I’ve never cared for someone as much as I care about you and…it’s terrifying. I’m terrified of losing you. Anyone I’ve loved always ended up dead. I don’t think I can take that happening to you.” Tucker smiled softly, leaning in and kissing him softly, his hands going to hold his head, his fingertips touching blonde curls. “I love you too but you gotta have faith everything will be ok. Now let’s try to sleep. And not just me sleeping.” Wash nodded, following him to bed.

Once they were both under the covers, Tucker holding Wash close, holding Washs hand over where his scar is. “Think you can sleep like this?” “I can try.” Tucker kissed his head. “Ok. I’ll see you in the morning babe, ok?” Wash nodded. “Yeah. Goodnight. I love you.” “I love you too.”


End file.
